The Marlboro Man in a Santa Hat.

They say that the number one tip for writing a successful blog is to write well and to write often. However, it's tough when every day seems the same, every day just as sucky as the last in regards to quitting. It's been a week since my last post and I apologize for the lapse. With Christmas, work, and numerous other excuses it's been tough to be motivated to bit...write about the excruciating stress my mind and body have been going through. Quitting smoking makes life ten...no a hundred times more difficult. I have a fuse about an inch short, anything seems to set me off now. And it's tough when you work with kids; they love to test your patience. I can't afford to lose my job just because I'm quitting smoking. Noone will except that excuse.

I've had mulitiple "meltdowns". Over stupid things like my hair won't cooperate, driving in the snow, etc. After having an episode, I find myself desperately tearing apart my truck looking for any form of nicotine. I take the last remaining puffs and I notice that I feel instantly calmer, like a switch has been thrown. Unfortantely, it lasts only moments and leaves me hungry for more. It's awful.

On the brighter side, I had a nice Christmas with the family. I was with them for two days and I didn't smoke once. But, it was still on my mind almost every second. On the way home, I thought a nice Christmas present to myself would be a pack. Great idea, right? WRONG. What the hell was I thinking?! I did so good, SO good, I was extremely proud of myself. Now I have to practically start over...again. Ugh, I could slap myself. In fact, hang on, let me do that right now.

I feel stupid for giving in after doing so well. Still, having that pack within arm's reach brings a strange comfort. Knowing that I have it means I don't have to go through the terrible feelings I have been going through the last several weeks, momentarily. Unfortunately for me (or is it?), I am out again. Welcome back to reality, Kristin. Have a nice trip in Fantasyland?

What day is it?

I haven't been motivated to write much lately, mainly because life friggin' sucks. To keep it short and sweet today I'll just say one thing: if I had known that quitting smoking would be this incredibly difficult and miserable, I never would have started up in the first place. Merry *bleepin'* Christmas.

Photo Credit: http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01129/global-graphics-20_1129275a.jpg

Day 20 - Grrr....

Day 3 of the "three day hump". Experiencing some withdrawal symptoms, such as fatigue, short-temperedness, and anxiety. The morning is still the worst because that was when I usually needed a cigarette the most to (what I thought was) to cope with the coming day. However, that feeling has been disappearing. My doctor told me once that that anxiety I expeience in the morning is most likely associated with overnight withdrawal from nicotine not because I'm worried about the coming day. So, now that the nicotine levels in my body have dropped overall, I'm not experiencing that withdrawal as much anymore.

I have had one whole cigarette in the past two days plus the couple of puffs I can get out of any of the refries on my porch. Sadly, that supply is now exhausted. The other time I crave a cigarette the worst is when I'm driving. I'm so used to having a cigarette in my hand, I feel naked without one. The thought of jumping in the truck having no music, no cigarettes, and noone to talk to but myself, nearly kills me. I think this is the hardest part for me because driving and smoking go hand-in-hand and old habits die hard.

I was watching T.V. yesterday I saw at least three situations in different shows where people were smoking. I secretly almost cried because I wanted a smoke so bad. It made me angry that I couldn't have one. It's funny how something like a 5 second clip can elicit that range of emotion out of me.

I have a Chri...Holiday Party to go to tonight and I know my quitting willpower will be tested. A couple of people who will be at this party smoke, and I will be tempted greatly. I'm not going to promise I won't have a single cigarette, that is nearly impossible. It's time to have fun and let loose (reasonably) so I know I'll probably have one. But, I still have to keep in mind that I am quitting and I need to be strong. I promise to at least resist grabbing the pack out their hands and cowering in a corner, smoking and nervously looking over my shoulder.

It's been up-an-down these last couple of days. Sometimes, I am confident I can make it through and other times I just want to crawl into the fetal position. But, I am still motivated to stick with it. I'm a proud of the steps I have made, a big one being not buying another pack. I just have to continue doin' what I'm doin' and I know that in the end I will be happier, healthier (maybe those three flights of stairs won't be such a bitch anymore), and in control.

 Picture credit: http://bajan.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/frustration.jpg

Day 18 - Out of Cigarettes, Panic Ensues

1 Cigarette and 1 Refry Today

Well, that's it. I'm completely out of cigarettes. I had my first and last one this morning when I woke up, the one I saved from last night. Making the decision to save that one was as difficult as I have mentioned before but now the real hard part begins. No more refrys (I smoked them) and no money to buy another pack. I am now starting to feel the panic, the fear of being without something that has controlled my life for 5 years.

It's easy to say, "Yeah, I can quit" when you have a pack of cigarettes sitting on the table. But now, having finished the last pack, I start to feel some very real concern about the coming days. It may be great material for my blog, but I start to wonder if it will be worth the physical and emotional stress I will now be facing.

They talk about the "three day hump". If you can make it three days without smoking, your body starts to get over the physical dependancy of nicotine. Well, today is day one (more specifically hour one), and I'm already starting to feel the effects. I'm paniked, slightly scared, and starting to realize that I have my work cut out for me in the next few days and possibly weeks.

I have been here before. I know I will get desperate and start to find myself looking in every street corner ash tray for a butt. I won't smoke one but I'll seriously consider it. That's how bad the hold is on me. I know I will start to beg people I see smoking on the street for a cigarette even though I hate doing that. It's demoralizing and embarrassing. Still, desperate times call for desperate measures, and in the end, the cigarette feels worth it.

I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. However, I know that I will be enabled. People I know will buy me a pack, just to keep me from going through those means to get nicotine. But I don't want that to happen. I have to tough it out. If people keep enabling me then I will truely never quit. Trust me, I've watched enough of those intervention t.v. shows to know how it works. Yeah, nicotine isn't any real hard or illegal drug, but it's just as difficult or in some cases, more difficult, to quit then things like heroin. I read this interesting article from Time.com talking about quitting, and it's uncanny how the article reinforces what I have been saying. Check it out here: Why It's So Hard to Quit Smoking

So, here we go. Things should get pretty interesting from here on out, a good thing for the blog, and a not-so-good thing for me. But, the ball is truely rolling now, I'm for sure quitting. Not much of a choice. I guess that's what I needed.

Day 17 - A New Beginning

Lost Count

After receiving some humbling advice from a close family member, I will now be choosing what I write in future posts more carefully. You may notice some editing. This is to improve the blog and keep it on track. A big thanks to the above person for opening my eyes and looking out for me.

I was gonna quit this whole blogging/quitting smoking thing after some (mild) criticism. Just be done, give up. I don't take criticism that well and my initial reaction was to just call it quits, even though the advice was for my own good and was said in good conscience. But, I received a perfectly-timed message from a great friend today and some encouraging words from my wonderful boyfriend that kept me from throwing up my hands in defeat.

These people said that I inspired them, that I shouldn't let criticism bring me down, that they were excited to see me start to win the quit smoking battle. Someone once said: "Winners are people who find ways around the wall. Losers are people that quit when they hit the wall." And here I am, still posting after hitting said wall. I mentioned earlier that I have been going through this alone. I'm not. The suppport of the people who love and care about me has been enough to keep me going.

Yes, I have taken a few steps backwards in the last couple of days. Unfortunately, I have reverted back to my old habits. I'm back up to a half a pack now. Nevertheless, who ever said quitting was easy? There are bound to be some setbacks. I am disappointed that I convinced myself that I would never quit. Now I have to start over from the beginning. Yet, looking at it in a positive light, it's a fresh start. I can continue to write, now even better then before, and continue to share my experiences with everyone. Writing this blog has been a major motivation for me to quit and I don't want to let anyone, including myself, down. I have come this far, why give up now?

I have some major challenges to face in the coming weeks. I know it will be difficult not to completely break down and give in when times get tough. I will have to summon some great strength from deep within to keep on the straight and narrow. Now that I know that I am not alone in this battle and that I have my own personal cheerleading squad, I think I will be able to overcome. Here's to a new beginning and to the end of an addiction controlling my life.

Day 13

5 Cigarettes in the Last Two Days

< Oh if only this were true! Been outta commission for a few days now, at home, sick with the flu. Nothin' like a good flu to keep you from smoking. I can hardly breathe let alone suck down a cancer stick. But that's good. I have almost gotten over that three day hump. I just have to make sure that even though I'm better now (besides having some congestion and consequently some sudden hearing loss in my right ear) doesn't mean I can up the ante.

[AUTHOR EDIT] The point of me writing about this is that I usually smoke a cigarette after something makes me angry and today I had no desire to smoke at all. This shows me that I am ever closer to kicking the habit! I wish I were strong enough to just crush that entire pack and flush it down the toilet, but I am not there yet.  Baby steps, Kristin, baby steps.

Overall since I started this process and this blog, I am proud of how far I have come. We're coming up on the two week mark and I have cut my cigarette intake in at least half, without the aid of patches, gum, therapy, or hyponosis.  I am so close to being smoke free I can, how you say, smell it. Maybe another week at this pace and I'll be able to start writing about how I want to "kill" people who smoke in front of  me. To quote one of my favorite movies Keeping The Faith: "I quit smoking two years ago. When people smoke in front of me, I want to French kiss them just suck the smoke out of their lungs!" Too true. 

As I struggle to write something to tie everything together, I think of how awesome reaching my ultimate goal of being tobacco-free will be. Of how much healthier and happier I will feel. Of how different my life will be. I'm on my way now, one baby step at a time.

Picture credit: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8DYsIOesXo6nYo-f1OXvNT5fkKNptQiOPtxQ8W_hbPU1c-G8ZQaxc4Smr6uJNCDuaIJfBOxZSETYingN81KOAYDviDRhHw_av7Uac3HO6uDCPKrnKHjoGsEUDJ6YLJ3vyo4h1LhC_JK96/s320/funny-flu.jpg

Day 11 continued...

1 1/2 Cigarettes Today

Doing great so far! Told ya a busy day keeps the nicotine away. Blogging from work, a first! I had one whole cigarette this morning and one half of one cigarette on lunch. One: it's too damn cold to be sitting in my truck and two: I just don't plum enjoy it anymore. Unfortunately for me however, my body SCREAMS for nicotine. But when I get an opportunity to smoke, I end up gagging and coughing more often then not. Maybe I am just one of the lucky few that will be able to quit on my own simply because of the fact that my body rejects it. My mind will be the hardest thing to overcome.

See right now, I really want to go and finish that cigarette. I crave it. Bad.  But I know that once I go out there, freeze my patooty off, and start to smoke it, I will regret it. So, I am going to to try a completely foreign concept: NOT SMOKING. Amazing huh?! Believe it or not, and other smokers will stand by me, it's not as easy as it sounds. Telling yourself no in any situation is hard, but this is exponentionally worse. It's like taking a toy from a toddler...and I know how fun that is.

I have a half an hour to go on my break. Torture to think that that cigarette is just staring me in the face saying "Smoooooke meeee!". But I will not. If I can deny myself this one time now, then I can do it again, and again. The road to being tobacoo-free is never easy but one step in the right direction and you're on your way. Off we go.

Picture credit: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNASvsY_X9UqzpB9Kv3H5OhoEMCHT7D4DvPMVbAvOJe0G2HP4En77xiAFVT7wvwHEifiR4gNNvolUVFwaZu6b6JyV_EA2zn9uARpKQYqbJahDw2kwZHowcihW0UplkybiAxPTt-6hycWk_/s200/no_smoking_signsvg.png

Day 11

Good morning all! I'm really excited to see that Kristin Kicks Ash is starting to kick some ass! Welcome welcome to my first follower!! KKA is now showing up on some major search engines and should be accepted to some equally major blogosphere sites soon. Yay! But it's still in it's fledgling stages, it's you the reader that makes it stand out! So thank you for your support in making this project a reality and keep telling your friends. Your support helps others and I kick the habit for good! However, I'm only assuming that my blog is the BEST blog out there in the entire world, so obviously I need some feedback. So once again, tell your friends, family, random people on the street! Yell it from the rooftops! Share, comment, tweet, text, thumb up, digg, whatever! I will be doing the same.

I have to work in 45 minutes. Sigh. It's supposed to be my day to go see my mom but with the snow, that is not happening. Might as well go to work, make some money. It'll be alright. I know staying busy will keep the number of cigarettes to a minimum today, a good step in the right direction.

Less then one week 'til the big move! Excited and nervous at the same time. But, can't wait to start my new job and school, finally one big step closer to acheving my goals of working with children.

Gotta go walk the dog, he's driving me batty. Never mind the fact that it's 2 outside and windy. Nope, no rest for the weary when you have a puppy.

Day 10

8 Cigarettes Thus Far Today

Well, I've been thinking about to write since I got home from work and have decided that there is nothing of note today, other then the fact that the freezing cold has not deterred me from smoking, don't ask me why. So, enjoy your evening and see you tomorrow!

Day 9 continued...

S389GV8VSN27

3 Cigarettes a day

A good day! Maybe because I could not tear myself away from the computer or that each cigarette I have smoked thus far have been getting less and less enjoyable and making me cough more and more. But I still had to make that one painful desicion today: whether or not to smoke my last cigarette now or save it 'til morning. A thought that literally makes my heart skip a beat. The fact that I have to wait that long to smoke again makes me panic slightly. But then, the relief swept over me as I realized that I had saved some refrys out on the porch for later. However, the fact that I will smoke something that used and dirty grosses me out. Unfortunately, nothing overrides that fear of being without.

I have plently of reasons why I should quit smoking. There is just this one chain I have to break: the physical dependancy. I believe that if I don't make myself go without even just one cigarette, I will never break the cycle and this dependancy will be my downfall. I cannot afford at this time to use any kind of help in this extremely difficult process, so I have to go it alone. It's pretty scary. I have some doubt that I will not succeed. But I am hoping by keeping this blog and possibly gaining some support from readers, I, and anyone else out there sharing my experience, will be tobacco-free.

Exciting Developments!

After whoreing out my blog for the last two hours, I am starting to see some results. I'm not invisible anymore! So, welcome to those discovering my blog! Be sure to tell your friends! Please feel free to leave comments/feedback/your experiences on my site if you wish. Bookmark, thumb up, share share share! I really feel that this blog could take off. Thanks to all and welcome again!

Day 9

1 Cigarette as of 11:00 AM

Another snowy, cold day here in Colorado. A perfect day to flip the switch on the fireplace (who has a woodburning fireplace anymore?), curl up with cup of coffee and a loved one. I was supposed to do my "volunteer" work today but I drove about 10 feet before sliding. So, in the light of wanting to live, I say no thanks.

Ok, enough chit-chat. [AUTHOR EDIT].

Lots of things on my mind this week. Trying to keep from cracking into a million pieces. But, I have greatly reduced the number of cigarettes, coffee (sorta), and other toxins into my body. Honestly I have been feeling better, less anxious, happier, and have been enjoying life more.

I have to be strong through everything, and not give up even when times get tough. [AUTHOR EDIT]

Day 5

7 Cigarettes a day...

...because it is absolute zero outside. Too damn cold to be standing outside smoking. I'm freezing my ass off, everywhere I go. In my house, in my car, at work. Sucks.

Staying up late tonight (if you can call 11:00pm late). Had extra cup of coffee at work. Mistake.

I've noticed now that I can rarely smoke an entire cigarette. I must have at least 20 refrys on my porch. Only if I'm driving do I really smoke a whole one. I think it's because I have nothing else to do in my car. With no radio, no headphones for my mp3 player, or any sweet electronics on my dashboard, what else can I do? I am on the highway quite a bit now-a-days.

So annnnyways, had an interesting day at work. [AUTHOR EDIT]
I can't wait to start my new job doing what I love: working with children. I have been planning to move to live with my boyfriend. I will be going to school seeking an associates degree in Early Childhood Education. Working as a receptionist now but will be starting as a toddler teacher soon. Super excited! Working with kids is exactly what I want to do with my life.

This leads me to my next point. A huge motivation to quit (other then my blog) is that I love kids and I don't want the kids [in my class] to be exposed to that. I want so badly to have kids of my own so I want to be healthy when the time comes.
But until then, I have to rely on sheer will power to succeed. I guess we'll see what happens. Still trying to kick myself in the butt (Ha ha! Get it?) to quit. I think I am slowly making progress, one less every day. Just gotta keep it up.

Day 3

Insert # of cigarettes a day

I almost died today. Yeah. Via traffic accident. Damn near got t-boned in an intersection trying to get back on the highway. The funny thing is, I was watching the guy barreling towards me at 60 mph and I didn't do anything. I just paniked and stopped. I can still see him in my mind's eye swerving out of the way, inches from hitting me. But, it wasn't until I called my boyfriend afterwards that it hit me how close I was to being seriously injured or worse. The impact would have rolled my truck at the very least. But wait, it gets better.

On the way home from the appointment (which went surprisingly well), I was pulled over for speeding by the CSP. 81 in a 65. $169.50 to the county and 4 points off my license. I was caught red-handed, no arguing with that. At least the cop wasn't a(n) *expletive*. He could have gotten me some other things but he was nice about it. So yeah, what a day.

So, all this means that I broke my promise to myself about trying to quit, at least for today. I mean shoot, I almost died. I realize that life is short and could end at any moment, but why cut the time I have even shorter by sucking down poison? It's so hard to deny myself after what happened today, especially since I spent almost 3 hours in the car by myself with no music (what else to do but smoke?). I guess I haven't made any strides forward towards quitting but I didn't step backwards either. It's hard to quit when you find excuses not too. I have a hard time finding the deep down internal motivation to quit. PM has me by the short hairs right now. But I have to be strong and break that hold on me. I have to dig down deep inside and find that motivation, that want to quit. Starting tomorrow, I can do it. I will do it.