The Next Network of Food Star!

Hey, I can dream can't I? In a prior post, I mentioned that keeping busy keeps me from smoking. I love to crochet and that has been helping, but I also love to cook. So today, day two of not smoking at all, I decided to make up my own recipe, just for fun. I wanted to keep my mind occupied and see what I could come up with. Here is what I made up, despite our pantry being scant at best. It's a marinade for chicken. Don't worry I made sure it turned out tasty before I posted it!

Kristin's Made-Up Marinade
(Measurements are, um, less then exact. Think Rachael Ray.)

1 cup(ish) - Apple cider vinegar
1/2 cup(ish) - Oil
Two to three good glugs - Worcester sauce (Wishter shister shighster sauce as my family calls it.)
Nice firm squeeze - Lime juice
Palmful - Chili power
Palmful and a half - Coriander
Pinch - Salt, Black pepper
Pinch plus a little - Cumin
A few good pinches - Paprika, red chili flakes, Cayenne pepper (Heat will develop during marinating, less is more.)
A good cereal spoon sized serving - Jalapenos (Again less is more.)
3-4 cloves - Garlic minced

Mix all ingredients in a bowl. Pour mixture into zippy bag. Add fresh or defrosted chicken (not frozen), marinate for about 4 hours. Throw chicken on grill and enjoy!

So there you go, I think it turned out great and tasted quite yummy. Try it and let me know what you think!

I Could Really Go for a Cigarette...

...right now. And I don't have any. The search on my porch for refries long enough to get a couple puffs becomes desperate. Thoughts of walking to the convenience store just down the street, buying a pack, ripping it open and puffing one down on the way home cloud my mind. "I'll quit at the end of this next pack. I promise. Last one." I fib to myself, knowing that I'm just prolonging the agony. It's not like I'll be motivated to quit 20 cigarettes from now, or 20 after that. Quitting will still suck, as the commercial goes. So why postpone something that's inevitable; I can make it suck less by just quitting now and putting up with the hardship that comes with it full on, ready for the fight. It's time to finally say "no"...not only "no", but "HELL no." As much as I want to buy just one more pack, I will not, and I know that I am finally taking a bigger step towards being tobacco-free.

Need a Good Laugh...or a Good Cry?

And I thought I had a problem...

Ok, this is just ludacris. I hope the cigarette companies are proud of themselves. He's two for crying out loud! This just shows how easy it is to get addicted and how hard it is to quit.

2010 - Not Over Yet

Well, I went Monday and Tuesday without a single cigarette, simply because I was out. I thought I could make one more day, attempting to summit the three day hump (also know as Mt. Everest) but then the withdrawal and the cravings kicked in hard. By Wednesday I was breaking open the piggy bank, trying to scrape enough of my measly savings together to buy a pack. Good thing I had a coupon from the cigarette company, right? A quick jaunt to the convenience store and I was back to square one...again. I feel extremely disappointed in myself for my lack of control. I'm angry with the cigarette company for making it so easy for them to keep you addicted and take your money. I don't even like the pack that I bought, you know the kind with the menthol ball that you crush in the filter? It literally tastes like you're eating that stuff you rub on your chest when you have a cold. It's disgusting and it really should deter me. But it doesn't and that scares me. Why didn't I just throw that coupon away and suffer through it like a normal person? Where has my will power gone?

On the other hand, I have been trying to take some big steps in improving my life in other ways. I am determined to not live paycheck to paycheck while running from my creditors. I am determined to conquer my anxiety and be happy with my life. I want to grow up. I have been jumping from place to place, job to job, school to school for way too long. I want to get married, have a family, a house, be able to afford nice things. But the fact that I can't seem to quit smoking makes me doubt my ability to improve my life. It brings me to tears frequently. But I know that only I can change my life. I am the one that can make these things a reality. It's a very daunting task and it's hard to convince people that I can do it. But I realize that it's not others that I have to convince, it's me. I have to do this for myself and then other people will come around. 2010 so far unfortunately hasn't been very different from any other year of my life, but there is still 6 months left. The rest of this year is going to be a very different time. I hope that making changes in other parts of my life with aid me in quitting smoking.

It's tough to try an take on an overwhelming number of goals all at once. It's frustrating that they don't just fix themselves and it's extremely frustrating that it doesn't happen in an instant. However, if I decide to break my goals down into a day-by-day process, I know that I can do it. I will do this and I will conquer these challenges. It starts now, it has to.

Idle Hands Make Kristin Something Something...

What? Go crazy? Don't mind if I do!

Ugh, hot and lazy Saturday afternoons and I do not mix. Especially if I'm trying to quit smoking. I'm the type of person that has to stay busy or something inside my head goes SNAP! So I have decided to crochet an afghan. I love to crochet (nerd alert!) and keeping my hands moving literally prevents me from smoking. I made one of these afghans for my best friend and it turned out excellent, if I do say so myself. So, this new one is for my boyfriend. After spending countless days perusing the aisles at the big chain hobby store and clicking on a billion links on the internet searching for that perfect pattern, I eventually gave up and decided to go back to old trusty, the pattern I used for my friend's afghan, the 5 1/2 Hour Throw from Lionbrand.com. Pattern can be found here: 5 1/2 Hour Throw . I used a P hook instead of a Q like it calls for (did I say nerd alert loud enough the first time?) and it works up pretty fast with three strands of yarn held together. So my point to this is that I have much more success quitting smoking if I stay busy, even if that means filling every second with some activity so the nicotine receptors (you know, those nasty little black creatures that you've seen in those commercials) in my brain are distracted.

So with that, I'm off to crochet my cravings away!

Former Smoker Craving A Cigarette - BecomeAnEx.org

I wanted to share this video with my readers from BecomeAnEx.org. Funny as it may be, it hits pretty close to home. I have found myself in similar situations and understand the internal struggle that comes with trying to stay strong. Sometimes, I lose.

If I Wanna Quit, I'm Going Have To Go Through Me First!

Well, I survived. Only smoked one and a half cigarettes out of the three I allowed myself. And get this...I didn't even enjoy them. It's as if my body is trying to tell my mind to give it up by hating the taste and coughing up its own lung. Go body! I am encouraged now that quitting does indeed seem possible.

P.S. Does anybody want to buy a P.O.S. truck?

Long Car Ride + Cigarettes = Disaster

So, I have a bunch of errands to run meaning that I will be spending an extended amount of time in a radio-less, a/c-less, everything-less vehicle. I am having a debate with myself on the issue of bringing my cigarettes with me. I only smoke whole cigarettes and lots of them when I drive. But I'm not quite sure I'm up for being completely without nicotine for the entirety of my journey. Therefore, I have come to a compromise. I will bring a small number of cigarettes with me and work on fighting the urge to smoke them all at once. Ration them. This is one small step to weaning myself off of these cancer sticks. A least it's step in the right direction!

So It Begins...Again.

"I'll never blog again! I can't quit smoking, so why try?" I said recently, with tears in my eyes and frustration in my voice. I went many months, ignoring the computer, smoking like a chimney, with no regards to my health or mental well-being. Before, I loved to blog and I hated to smoke. But those priorities soon became reversed because of the challenges I faced in my life and over time, I took a giant leap in the wrong direction. Until today. Here I am with new found conviction, fighting the hesitation, the slight panic, and the fear of going through this whole process of quitting from the beginning...again.

Many things have happened since my last post. I have moved (three times), changed jobs (twice), and friends were made and lost and made again. All the while I was smoking cigarettes, not thinking of how much harder I was making the eventual reality of quitting on myself. Unwittingly building up an immunity so that breaking that tie to PM would be even harder. Hence the fear. The fear of an addict. I'm sure heroin, meth, and crack addicts go through the same fear when told to go to rehab. But there's no rehab for smokers, as much as I wish there was. I have to fight this addiction on my own. There is some help out there, yes, and I do plan on taking advantage of it, as I could not do it completely alone last time.

I will start slow, as I have said before, by cutting back the number of cigarettes I smoke in a day by one. I am going to call the QuitLine number today and see what they can do to help me. I will seek help from anyone that I can. This is it. Today, I am no longer a smoker.  Now it is time to turn over a new leaf. I've been working on stabilizing my life, my job, my relationships, and my finances. It is now time to add being smoke-free to the list.

Hello? Is anybody there? Echo echo echo....

Time to blow the dust off of this! Poor ol' blog, how I have neglected thee. Did you miss me? It was going so well there for a while, then I got bored, frustrated and eventually gave up. Typical Kristin. But here I am! Ready to give it another try. Try being the key word.

Since last post, Christmas, New Year's, my birthday, and the job at the daycare have all come and gone. School has started (going great I might add) and I have started a new part-time job. Life's good...but it could be better. Better in the sense that I could be smoke free.

I say that with doubt in my heart, unfortunately. I have been smoking as I did when I started this blog. Back to the beginning again. Today, at work, I was spray painting a bathtub (long story) and thinking about the fumes I was inhaling. Jokingly I said to myself, "Well, it's probably healthier then the cigarettes I smoke!" Har har right? Well, I'm sure there's some truth behind that and it scares me.

I saw all the dust on the floor after finishing painting and thought about how that entered my body. I thought about what the cigarettes are doing to my lungs and I literally shuddered. So, here I am, attempt number ???. I'm not particularly motivated persay, but I'm willing to give it another shot. I always enjoyed blogging so I figure that, at the very least, will keep me going and maybe, just maybe I can be successful.

Starting tomorrow, I will reinstate my quitting plan by reducing the number of cigarettes I smoke in one day (right now about 10) by at least one . I know it's going to be [extremely] hard; I've been there before. I'm certainly not looking forward to that and that's why I'm not motivated to go through it again. But, if I want to be a healthy person for my friends, family, and my future while saving some serious money in the process, I'm going to have to tough it out.

Tomorrow is a new day.

The Marlboro Man in a Santa Hat.

They say that the number one tip for writing a successful blog is to write well and to write often. However, it's tough when every day seems the same, every day just as sucky as the last in regards to quitting. It's been a week since my last post and I apologize for the lapse. With Christmas, work, and numerous other excuses it's been tough to be motivated to bit...write about the excruciating stress my mind and body have been going through. Quitting smoking makes life ten...no a hundred times more difficult. I have a fuse about an inch short, anything seems to set me off now. And it's tough when you work with kids; they love to test your patience. I can't afford to lose my job just because I'm quitting smoking. Noone will except that excuse.

I've had mulitiple "meltdowns". Over stupid things like my hair won't cooperate, driving in the snow, etc. After having an episode, I find myself desperately tearing apart my truck looking for any form of nicotine. I take the last remaining puffs and I notice that I feel instantly calmer, like a switch has been thrown. Unfortantely, it lasts only moments and leaves me hungry for more. It's awful.

On the brighter side, I had a nice Christmas with the family. I was with them for two days and I didn't smoke once. But, it was still on my mind almost every second. On the way home, I thought a nice Christmas present to myself would be a pack. Great idea, right? WRONG. What the hell was I thinking?! I did so good, SO good, I was extremely proud of myself. Now I have to practically start over...again. Ugh, I could slap myself. In fact, hang on, let me do that right now.

I feel stupid for giving in after doing so well. Still, having that pack within arm's reach brings a strange comfort. Knowing that I have it means I don't have to go through the terrible feelings I have been going through the last several weeks, momentarily. Unfortunately for me (or is it?), I am out again. Welcome back to reality, Kristin. Have a nice trip in Fantasyland?

What day is it?

I haven't been motivated to write much lately, mainly because life friggin' sucks. To keep it short and sweet today I'll just say one thing: if I had known that quitting smoking would be this incredibly difficult and miserable, I never would have started up in the first place. Merry *bleepin'* Christmas.

Photo Credit: http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01129/global-graphics-20_1129275a.jpg

Day 20 - Grrr....

Day 3 of the "three day hump". Experiencing some withdrawal symptoms, such as fatigue, short-temperedness, and anxiety. The morning is still the worst because that was when I usually needed a cigarette the most to (what I thought was) to cope with the coming day. However, that feeling has been disappearing. My doctor told me once that that anxiety I expeience in the morning is most likely associated with overnight withdrawal from nicotine not because I'm worried about the coming day. So, now that the nicotine levels in my body have dropped overall, I'm not experiencing that withdrawal as much anymore.

I have had one whole cigarette in the past two days plus the couple of puffs I can get out of any of the refries on my porch. Sadly, that supply is now exhausted. The other time I crave a cigarette the worst is when I'm driving. I'm so used to having a cigarette in my hand, I feel naked without one. The thought of jumping in the truck having no music, no cigarettes, and noone to talk to but myself, nearly kills me. I think this is the hardest part for me because driving and smoking go hand-in-hand and old habits die hard.

I was watching T.V. yesterday I saw at least three situations in different shows where people were smoking. I secretly almost cried because I wanted a smoke so bad. It made me angry that I couldn't have one. It's funny how something like a 5 second clip can elicit that range of emotion out of me.

I have a Chri...Holiday Party to go to tonight and I know my quitting willpower will be tested. A couple of people who will be at this party smoke, and I will be tempted greatly. I'm not going to promise I won't have a single cigarette, that is nearly impossible. It's time to have fun and let loose (reasonably) so I know I'll probably have one. But, I still have to keep in mind that I am quitting and I need to be strong. I promise to at least resist grabbing the pack out their hands and cowering in a corner, smoking and nervously looking over my shoulder.

It's been up-an-down these last couple of days. Sometimes, I am confident I can make it through and other times I just want to crawl into the fetal position. But, I am still motivated to stick with it. I'm a proud of the steps I have made, a big one being not buying another pack. I just have to continue doin' what I'm doin' and I know that in the end I will be happier, healthier (maybe those three flights of stairs won't be such a bitch anymore), and in control.

 Picture credit: http://bajan.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/frustration.jpg

Day 18 - Out of Cigarettes, Panic Ensues

1 Cigarette and 1 Refry Today

Well, that's it. I'm completely out of cigarettes. I had my first and last one this morning when I woke up, the one I saved from last night. Making the decision to save that one was as difficult as I have mentioned before but now the real hard part begins. No more refrys (I smoked them) and no money to buy another pack. I am now starting to feel the panic, the fear of being without something that has controlled my life for 5 years.

It's easy to say, "Yeah, I can quit" when you have a pack of cigarettes sitting on the table. But now, having finished the last pack, I start to feel some very real concern about the coming days. It may be great material for my blog, but I start to wonder if it will be worth the physical and emotional stress I will now be facing.

They talk about the "three day hump". If you can make it three days without smoking, your body starts to get over the physical dependancy of nicotine. Well, today is day one (more specifically hour one), and I'm already starting to feel the effects. I'm paniked, slightly scared, and starting to realize that I have my work cut out for me in the next few days and possibly weeks.

I have been here before. I know I will get desperate and start to find myself looking in every street corner ash tray for a butt. I won't smoke one but I'll seriously consider it. That's how bad the hold is on me. I know I will start to beg people I see smoking on the street for a cigarette even though I hate doing that. It's demoralizing and embarrassing. Still, desperate times call for desperate measures, and in the end, the cigarette feels worth it.

I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. However, I know that I will be enabled. People I know will buy me a pack, just to keep me from going through those means to get nicotine. But I don't want that to happen. I have to tough it out. If people keep enabling me then I will truely never quit. Trust me, I've watched enough of those intervention t.v. shows to know how it works. Yeah, nicotine isn't any real hard or illegal drug, but it's just as difficult or in some cases, more difficult, to quit then things like heroin. I read this interesting article from Time.com talking about quitting, and it's uncanny how the article reinforces what I have been saying. Check it out here: Why It's So Hard to Quit Smoking

So, here we go. Things should get pretty interesting from here on out, a good thing for the blog, and a not-so-good thing for me. But, the ball is truely rolling now, I'm for sure quitting. Not much of a choice. I guess that's what I needed.

Day 17 - A New Beginning

Lost Count

After receiving some humbling advice from a close family member, I will now be choosing what I write in future posts more carefully. You may notice some editing. This is to improve the blog and keep it on track. A big thanks to the above person for opening my eyes and looking out for me.

I was gonna quit this whole blogging/quitting smoking thing after some (mild) criticism. Just be done, give up. I don't take criticism that well and my initial reaction was to just call it quits, even though the advice was for my own good and was said in good conscience. But, I received a perfectly-timed message from a great friend today and some encouraging words from my wonderful boyfriend that kept me from throwing up my hands in defeat.

These people said that I inspired them, that I shouldn't let criticism bring me down, that they were excited to see me start to win the quit smoking battle. Someone once said: "Winners are people who find ways around the wall. Losers are people that quit when they hit the wall." And here I am, still posting after hitting said wall. I mentioned earlier that I have been going through this alone. I'm not. The suppport of the people who love and care about me has been enough to keep me going.

Yes, I have taken a few steps backwards in the last couple of days. Unfortunately, I have reverted back to my old habits. I'm back up to a half a pack now. Nevertheless, who ever said quitting was easy? There are bound to be some setbacks. I am disappointed that I convinced myself that I would never quit. Now I have to start over from the beginning. Yet, looking at it in a positive light, it's a fresh start. I can continue to write, now even better then before, and continue to share my experiences with everyone. Writing this blog has been a major motivation for me to quit and I don't want to let anyone, including myself, down. I have come this far, why give up now?

I have some major challenges to face in the coming weeks. I know it will be difficult not to completely break down and give in when times get tough. I will have to summon some great strength from deep within to keep on the straight and narrow. Now that I know that I am not alone in this battle and that I have my own personal cheerleading squad, I think I will be able to overcome. Here's to a new beginning and to the end of an addiction controlling my life.

Day 13

5 Cigarettes in the Last Two Days

< Oh if only this were true! Been outta commission for a few days now, at home, sick with the flu. Nothin' like a good flu to keep you from smoking. I can hardly breathe let alone suck down a cancer stick. But that's good. I have almost gotten over that three day hump. I just have to make sure that even though I'm better now (besides having some congestion and consequently some sudden hearing loss in my right ear) doesn't mean I can up the ante.

[AUTHOR EDIT] The point of me writing about this is that I usually smoke a cigarette after something makes me angry and today I had no desire to smoke at all. This shows me that I am ever closer to kicking the habit! I wish I were strong enough to just crush that entire pack and flush it down the toilet, but I am not there yet.  Baby steps, Kristin, baby steps.

Overall since I started this process and this blog, I am proud of how far I have come. We're coming up on the two week mark and I have cut my cigarette intake in at least half, without the aid of patches, gum, therapy, or hyponosis.  I am so close to being smoke free I can, how you say, smell it. Maybe another week at this pace and I'll be able to start writing about how I want to "kill" people who smoke in front of  me. To quote one of my favorite movies Keeping The Faith: "I quit smoking two years ago. When people smoke in front of me, I want to French kiss them just suck the smoke out of their lungs!" Too true. 

As I struggle to write something to tie everything together, I think of how awesome reaching my ultimate goal of being tobacco-free will be. Of how much healthier and happier I will feel. Of how different my life will be. I'm on my way now, one baby step at a time.

Picture credit: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8DYsIOesXo6nYo-f1OXvNT5fkKNptQiOPtxQ8W_hbPU1c-G8ZQaxc4Smr6uJNCDuaIJfBOxZSETYingN81KOAYDviDRhHw_av7Uac3HO6uDCPKrnKHjoGsEUDJ6YLJ3vyo4h1LhC_JK96/s320/funny-flu.jpg

Day 11 continued...

1 1/2 Cigarettes Today

Doing great so far! Told ya a busy day keeps the nicotine away. Blogging from work, a first! I had one whole cigarette this morning and one half of one cigarette on lunch. One: it's too damn cold to be sitting in my truck and two: I just don't plum enjoy it anymore. Unfortunately for me however, my body SCREAMS for nicotine. But when I get an opportunity to smoke, I end up gagging and coughing more often then not. Maybe I am just one of the lucky few that will be able to quit on my own simply because of the fact that my body rejects it. My mind will be the hardest thing to overcome.

See right now, I really want to go and finish that cigarette. I crave it. Bad.  But I know that once I go out there, freeze my patooty off, and start to smoke it, I will regret it. So, I am going to to try a completely foreign concept: NOT SMOKING. Amazing huh?! Believe it or not, and other smokers will stand by me, it's not as easy as it sounds. Telling yourself no in any situation is hard, but this is exponentionally worse. It's like taking a toy from a toddler...and I know how fun that is.

I have a half an hour to go on my break. Torture to think that that cigarette is just staring me in the face saying "Smoooooke meeee!". But I will not. If I can deny myself this one time now, then I can do it again, and again. The road to being tobacoo-free is never easy but one step in the right direction and you're on your way. Off we go.

Picture credit: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNASvsY_X9UqzpB9Kv3H5OhoEMCHT7D4DvPMVbAvOJe0G2HP4En77xiAFVT7wvwHEifiR4gNNvolUVFwaZu6b6JyV_EA2zn9uARpKQYqbJahDw2kwZHowcihW0UplkybiAxPTt-6hycWk_/s200/no_smoking_signsvg.png

Day 11

Good morning all! I'm really excited to see that Kristin Kicks Ash is starting to kick some ass! Welcome welcome to my first follower!! KKA is now showing up on some major search engines and should be accepted to some equally major blogosphere sites soon. Yay! But it's still in it's fledgling stages, it's you the reader that makes it stand out! So thank you for your support in making this project a reality and keep telling your friends. Your support helps others and I kick the habit for good! However, I'm only assuming that my blog is the BEST blog out there in the entire world, so obviously I need some feedback. So once again, tell your friends, family, random people on the street! Yell it from the rooftops! Share, comment, tweet, text, thumb up, digg, whatever! I will be doing the same.

I have to work in 45 minutes. Sigh. It's supposed to be my day to go see my mom but with the snow, that is not happening. Might as well go to work, make some money. It'll be alright. I know staying busy will keep the number of cigarettes to a minimum today, a good step in the right direction.

Less then one week 'til the big move! Excited and nervous at the same time. But, can't wait to start my new job and school, finally one big step closer to acheving my goals of working with children.

Gotta go walk the dog, he's driving me batty. Never mind the fact that it's 2 outside and windy. Nope, no rest for the weary when you have a puppy.

Day 10

8 Cigarettes Thus Far Today

Well, I've been thinking about to write since I got home from work and have decided that there is nothing of note today, other then the fact that the freezing cold has not deterred me from smoking, don't ask me why. So, enjoy your evening and see you tomorrow!

Day 9 continued...

S389GV8VSN27

3 Cigarettes a day

A good day! Maybe because I could not tear myself away from the computer or that each cigarette I have smoked thus far have been getting less and less enjoyable and making me cough more and more. But I still had to make that one painful desicion today: whether or not to smoke my last cigarette now or save it 'til morning. A thought that literally makes my heart skip a beat. The fact that I have to wait that long to smoke again makes me panic slightly. But then, the relief swept over me as I realized that I had saved some refrys out on the porch for later. However, the fact that I will smoke something that used and dirty grosses me out. Unfortunately, nothing overrides that fear of being without.

I have plently of reasons why I should quit smoking. There is just this one chain I have to break: the physical dependancy. I believe that if I don't make myself go without even just one cigarette, I will never break the cycle and this dependancy will be my downfall. I cannot afford at this time to use any kind of help in this extremely difficult process, so I have to go it alone. It's pretty scary. I have some doubt that I will not succeed. But I am hoping by keeping this blog and possibly gaining some support from readers, I, and anyone else out there sharing my experience, will be tobacco-free.