Day 9

1 Cigarette as of 11:00 AM

Another snowy, cold day here in Colorado. A perfect day to flip the switch on the fireplace (who has a woodburning fireplace anymore?), curl up with cup of coffee and a loved one. I was supposed to do my "volunteer" work today but I drove about 10 feet before sliding. So, in the light of wanting to live, I say no thanks.

Ok, enough chit-chat. [AUTHOR EDIT].

Lots of things on my mind this week. Trying to keep from cracking into a million pieces. But, I have greatly reduced the number of cigarettes, coffee (sorta), and other toxins into my body. Honestly I have been feeling better, less anxious, happier, and have been enjoying life more.

I have to be strong through everything, and not give up even when times get tough. [AUTHOR EDIT]

Day 5

7 Cigarettes a day...

...because it is absolute zero outside. Too damn cold to be standing outside smoking. I'm freezing my ass off, everywhere I go. In my house, in my car, at work. Sucks.

Staying up late tonight (if you can call 11:00pm late). Had extra cup of coffee at work. Mistake.

I've noticed now that I can rarely smoke an entire cigarette. I must have at least 20 refrys on my porch. Only if I'm driving do I really smoke a whole one. I think it's because I have nothing else to do in my car. With no radio, no headphones for my mp3 player, or any sweet electronics on my dashboard, what else can I do? I am on the highway quite a bit now-a-days.

So annnnyways, had an interesting day at work. [AUTHOR EDIT]
I can't wait to start my new job doing what I love: working with children. I have been planning to move to live with my boyfriend. I will be going to school seeking an associates degree in Early Childhood Education. Working as a receptionist now but will be starting as a toddler teacher soon. Super excited! Working with kids is exactly what I want to do with my life.

This leads me to my next point. A huge motivation to quit (other then my blog) is that I love kids and I don't want the kids [in my class] to be exposed to that. I want so badly to have kids of my own so I want to be healthy when the time comes.
But until then, I have to rely on sheer will power to succeed. I guess we'll see what happens. Still trying to kick myself in the butt (Ha ha! Get it?) to quit. I think I am slowly making progress, one less every day. Just gotta keep it up.

Day 3

Insert # of cigarettes a day

I almost died today. Yeah. Via traffic accident. Damn near got t-boned in an intersection trying to get back on the highway. The funny thing is, I was watching the guy barreling towards me at 60 mph and I didn't do anything. I just paniked and stopped. I can still see him in my mind's eye swerving out of the way, inches from hitting me. But, it wasn't until I called my boyfriend afterwards that it hit me how close I was to being seriously injured or worse. The impact would have rolled my truck at the very least. But wait, it gets better.

On the way home from the appointment (which went surprisingly well), I was pulled over for speeding by the CSP. 81 in a 65. $169.50 to the county and 4 points off my license. I was caught red-handed, no arguing with that. At least the cop wasn't a(n) *expletive*. He could have gotten me some other things but he was nice about it. So yeah, what a day.

So, all this means that I broke my promise to myself about trying to quit, at least for today. I mean shoot, I almost died. I realize that life is short and could end at any moment, but why cut the time I have even shorter by sucking down poison? It's so hard to deny myself after what happened today, especially since I spent almost 3 hours in the car by myself with no music (what else to do but smoke?). I guess I haven't made any strides forward towards quitting but I didn't step backwards either. It's hard to quit when you find excuses not too. I have a hard time finding the deep down internal motivation to quit. PM has me by the short hairs right now. But I have to be strong and break that hold on me. I have to dig down deep inside and find that motivation, that want to quit. Starting tomorrow, I can do it. I will do it.

Day 2 continued...

9 10 11 ???  Cigarettes a day

Oh what a day today was. [AUTHOR EDIT] This alone makes me want to smoke that whole entire pack of cigarettes sitting on my coffee table. But I must resist.

I did pretty good today, however. I lost track of how many cigarettes I actually smoked, but I know that it was less then my normal amount. [AUTHOR EDIT] So, that pissed me off and when I get pissed, I smoke...ALOT.

There is nothing that the cigarettes do to make me feel better, except for maybe a teeny tiny jolt of euphroia that lasts only moments. Whenever I feel that pang of anxiety smack dab in the middle of my chest, my first instinct is to puff one down. But after, I feel exactly the same. So why do I continue to kill myself slowly? Maybe it gives my hands something to do when I'm bored or restlesss. Maybe it makes me feel better about myself. Maybe it makes me look cool? I don't know but the buck stops here. I have to be able to deal with my problems, worries, anxiety issues, etc. by myself, without the help of poison. Dear God, please give me the strength to fight this.

Have that meeting tomorrow morning. Oh boy, can you feel the excitement? Me either. I might not be able to stick to my plan to quit, or can I?

Day 2

9 cigarettes a day

An early morning hello to any of my readers out there! Stressed, worried and anxious this morning, had to have the best cigarette of the day; the first one. This one is the best because the nicotine gives me a rush and helps ease the stress and worry of the coming day. Still coughing and have recently started gagging when I smoke, maybe a sign? Work changed my schedule and seemed to have forgotten that I have a test in class tonight. I have a feeling I will be missing it. I'm not ready for the test, I haven't been to class (a whole story in itself) and I haven't studied. But I feel that I should at least attempt to take the test. I will have to call my prof and try to reschedule it.  Have a lot of stuff to worry about this week, meetings with choice people I don't want to meet with, finding important documents I lost, and figuring out what my next step is (I will be moving to Denver soon), hopefully I will stay strong and follow my plan of action for quitting. Just because I am experiencing emotional overload doesn't mean I shouldn't have to stick to my goal of being tobacco free. So, I'm allowing myself 9 cigarettes today, which should be pretty easy since I am working all day. Well, time to walk and feed the dog and enjoy a nice cup of coffee, my other addiction. Coffeecoffeecoffee!