If I Wanna Quit, I'm Going Have To Go Through Me First!

Well, I survived. Only smoked one and a half cigarettes out of the three I allowed myself. And get this...I didn't even enjoy them. It's as if my body is trying to tell my mind to give it up by hating the taste and coughing up its own lung. Go body! I am encouraged now that quitting does indeed seem possible.

P.S. Does anybody want to buy a P.O.S. truck?

Long Car Ride + Cigarettes = Disaster

So, I have a bunch of errands to run meaning that I will be spending an extended amount of time in a radio-less, a/c-less, everything-less vehicle. I am having a debate with myself on the issue of bringing my cigarettes with me. I only smoke whole cigarettes and lots of them when I drive. But I'm not quite sure I'm up for being completely without nicotine for the entirety of my journey. Therefore, I have come to a compromise. I will bring a small number of cigarettes with me and work on fighting the urge to smoke them all at once. Ration them. This is one small step to weaning myself off of these cancer sticks. A least it's step in the right direction!

So It Begins...Again.

"I'll never blog again! I can't quit smoking, so why try?" I said recently, with tears in my eyes and frustration in my voice. I went many months, ignoring the computer, smoking like a chimney, with no regards to my health or mental well-being. Before, I loved to blog and I hated to smoke. But those priorities soon became reversed because of the challenges I faced in my life and over time, I took a giant leap in the wrong direction. Until today. Here I am with new found conviction, fighting the hesitation, the slight panic, and the fear of going through this whole process of quitting from the beginning...again.

Many things have happened since my last post. I have moved (three times), changed jobs (twice), and friends were made and lost and made again. All the while I was smoking cigarettes, not thinking of how much harder I was making the eventual reality of quitting on myself. Unwittingly building up an immunity so that breaking that tie to PM would be even harder. Hence the fear. The fear of an addict. I'm sure heroin, meth, and crack addicts go through the same fear when told to go to rehab. But there's no rehab for smokers, as much as I wish there was. I have to fight this addiction on my own. There is some help out there, yes, and I do plan on taking advantage of it, as I could not do it completely alone last time.

I will start slow, as I have said before, by cutting back the number of cigarettes I smoke in a day by one. I am going to call the QuitLine number today and see what they can do to help me. I will seek help from anyone that I can. This is it. Today, I am no longer a smoker.  Now it is time to turn over a new leaf. I've been working on stabilizing my life, my job, my relationships, and my finances. It is now time to add being smoke-free to the list.

Hello? Is anybody there? Echo echo echo....

Time to blow the dust off of this! Poor ol' blog, how I have neglected thee. Did you miss me? It was going so well there for a while, then I got bored, frustrated and eventually gave up. Typical Kristin. But here I am! Ready to give it another try. Try being the key word.

Since last post, Christmas, New Year's, my birthday, and the job at the daycare have all come and gone. School has started (going great I might add) and I have started a new part-time job. Life's good...but it could be better. Better in the sense that I could be smoke free.

I say that with doubt in my heart, unfortunately. I have been smoking as I did when I started this blog. Back to the beginning again. Today, at work, I was spray painting a bathtub (long story) and thinking about the fumes I was inhaling. Jokingly I said to myself, "Well, it's probably healthier then the cigarettes I smoke!" Har har right? Well, I'm sure there's some truth behind that and it scares me.

I saw all the dust on the floor after finishing painting and thought about how that entered my body. I thought about what the cigarettes are doing to my lungs and I literally shuddered. So, here I am, attempt number ???. I'm not particularly motivated persay, but I'm willing to give it another shot. I always enjoyed blogging so I figure that, at the very least, will keep me going and maybe, just maybe I can be successful.

Starting tomorrow, I will reinstate my quitting plan by reducing the number of cigarettes I smoke in one day (right now about 10) by at least one . I know it's going to be [extremely] hard; I've been there before. I'm certainly not looking forward to that and that's why I'm not motivated to go through it again. But, if I want to be a healthy person for my friends, family, and my future while saving some serious money in the process, I'm going to have to tough it out.

Tomorrow is a new day.

The Marlboro Man in a Santa Hat.

They say that the number one tip for writing a successful blog is to write well and to write often. However, it's tough when every day seems the same, every day just as sucky as the last in regards to quitting. It's been a week since my last post and I apologize for the lapse. With Christmas, work, and numerous other excuses it's been tough to be motivated to bit...write about the excruciating stress my mind and body have been going through. Quitting smoking makes life ten...no a hundred times more difficult. I have a fuse about an inch short, anything seems to set me off now. And it's tough when you work with kids; they love to test your patience. I can't afford to lose my job just because I'm quitting smoking. Noone will except that excuse.

I've had mulitiple "meltdowns". Over stupid things like my hair won't cooperate, driving in the snow, etc. After having an episode, I find myself desperately tearing apart my truck looking for any form of nicotine. I take the last remaining puffs and I notice that I feel instantly calmer, like a switch has been thrown. Unfortantely, it lasts only moments and leaves me hungry for more. It's awful.

On the brighter side, I had a nice Christmas with the family. I was with them for two days and I didn't smoke once. But, it was still on my mind almost every second. On the way home, I thought a nice Christmas present to myself would be a pack. Great idea, right? WRONG. What the hell was I thinking?! I did so good, SO good, I was extremely proud of myself. Now I have to practically start over...again. Ugh, I could slap myself. In fact, hang on, let me do that right now.

I feel stupid for giving in after doing so well. Still, having that pack within arm's reach brings a strange comfort. Knowing that I have it means I don't have to go through the terrible feelings I have been going through the last several weeks, momentarily. Unfortunately for me (or is it?), I am out again. Welcome back to reality, Kristin. Have a nice trip in Fantasyland?