Day 20 - Grrr....

Day 3 of the "three day hump". Experiencing some withdrawal symptoms, such as fatigue, short-temperedness, and anxiety. The morning is still the worst because that was when I usually needed a cigarette the most to (what I thought was) to cope with the coming day. However, that feeling has been disappearing. My doctor told me once that that anxiety I expeience in the morning is most likely associated with overnight withdrawal from nicotine not because I'm worried about the coming day. So, now that the nicotine levels in my body have dropped overall, I'm not experiencing that withdrawal as much anymore.

I have had one whole cigarette in the past two days plus the couple of puffs I can get out of any of the refries on my porch. Sadly, that supply is now exhausted. The other time I crave a cigarette the worst is when I'm driving. I'm so used to having a cigarette in my hand, I feel naked without one. The thought of jumping in the truck having no music, no cigarettes, and noone to talk to but myself, nearly kills me. I think this is the hardest part for me because driving and smoking go hand-in-hand and old habits die hard.

I was watching T.V. yesterday I saw at least three situations in different shows where people were smoking. I secretly almost cried because I wanted a smoke so bad. It made me angry that I couldn't have one. It's funny how something like a 5 second clip can elicit that range of emotion out of me.

I have a Chri...Holiday Party to go to tonight and I know my quitting willpower will be tested. A couple of people who will be at this party smoke, and I will be tempted greatly. I'm not going to promise I won't have a single cigarette, that is nearly impossible. It's time to have fun and let loose (reasonably) so I know I'll probably have one. But, I still have to keep in mind that I am quitting and I need to be strong. I promise to at least resist grabbing the pack out their hands and cowering in a corner, smoking and nervously looking over my shoulder.

It's been up-an-down these last couple of days. Sometimes, I am confident I can make it through and other times I just want to crawl into the fetal position. But, I am still motivated to stick with it. I'm a proud of the steps I have made, a big one being not buying another pack. I just have to continue doin' what I'm doin' and I know that in the end I will be happier, healthier (maybe those three flights of stairs won't be such a bitch anymore), and in control.

 Picture credit: http://bajan.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/frustration.jpg

Day 18 - Out of Cigarettes, Panic Ensues

1 Cigarette and 1 Refry Today

Well, that's it. I'm completely out of cigarettes. I had my first and last one this morning when I woke up, the one I saved from last night. Making the decision to save that one was as difficult as I have mentioned before but now the real hard part begins. No more refrys (I smoked them) and no money to buy another pack. I am now starting to feel the panic, the fear of being without something that has controlled my life for 5 years.

It's easy to say, "Yeah, I can quit" when you have a pack of cigarettes sitting on the table. But now, having finished the last pack, I start to feel some very real concern about the coming days. It may be great material for my blog, but I start to wonder if it will be worth the physical and emotional stress I will now be facing.

They talk about the "three day hump". If you can make it three days without smoking, your body starts to get over the physical dependancy of nicotine. Well, today is day one (more specifically hour one), and I'm already starting to feel the effects. I'm paniked, slightly scared, and starting to realize that I have my work cut out for me in the next few days and possibly weeks.

I have been here before. I know I will get desperate and start to find myself looking in every street corner ash tray for a butt. I won't smoke one but I'll seriously consider it. That's how bad the hold is on me. I know I will start to beg people I see smoking on the street for a cigarette even though I hate doing that. It's demoralizing and embarrassing. Still, desperate times call for desperate measures, and in the end, the cigarette feels worth it.

I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. However, I know that I will be enabled. People I know will buy me a pack, just to keep me from going through those means to get nicotine. But I don't want that to happen. I have to tough it out. If people keep enabling me then I will truely never quit. Trust me, I've watched enough of those intervention t.v. shows to know how it works. Yeah, nicotine isn't any real hard or illegal drug, but it's just as difficult or in some cases, more difficult, to quit then things like heroin. I read this interesting article from Time.com talking about quitting, and it's uncanny how the article reinforces what I have been saying. Check it out here: Why It's So Hard to Quit Smoking

So, here we go. Things should get pretty interesting from here on out, a good thing for the blog, and a not-so-good thing for me. But, the ball is truely rolling now, I'm for sure quitting. Not much of a choice. I guess that's what I needed.

Day 17 - A New Beginning

Lost Count

After receiving some humbling advice from a close family member, I will now be choosing what I write in future posts more carefully. You may notice some editing. This is to improve the blog and keep it on track. A big thanks to the above person for opening my eyes and looking out for me.

I was gonna quit this whole blogging/quitting smoking thing after some (mild) criticism. Just be done, give up. I don't take criticism that well and my initial reaction was to just call it quits, even though the advice was for my own good and was said in good conscience. But, I received a perfectly-timed message from a great friend today and some encouraging words from my wonderful boyfriend that kept me from throwing up my hands in defeat.

These people said that I inspired them, that I shouldn't let criticism bring me down, that they were excited to see me start to win the quit smoking battle. Someone once said: "Winners are people who find ways around the wall. Losers are people that quit when they hit the wall." And here I am, still posting after hitting said wall. I mentioned earlier that I have been going through this alone. I'm not. The suppport of the people who love and care about me has been enough to keep me going.

Yes, I have taken a few steps backwards in the last couple of days. Unfortunately, I have reverted back to my old habits. I'm back up to a half a pack now. Nevertheless, who ever said quitting was easy? There are bound to be some setbacks. I am disappointed that I convinced myself that I would never quit. Now I have to start over from the beginning. Yet, looking at it in a positive light, it's a fresh start. I can continue to write, now even better then before, and continue to share my experiences with everyone. Writing this blog has been a major motivation for me to quit and I don't want to let anyone, including myself, down. I have come this far, why give up now?

I have some major challenges to face in the coming weeks. I know it will be difficult not to completely break down and give in when times get tough. I will have to summon some great strength from deep within to keep on the straight and narrow. Now that I know that I am not alone in this battle and that I have my own personal cheerleading squad, I think I will be able to overcome. Here's to a new beginning and to the end of an addiction controlling my life.

Day 13

5 Cigarettes in the Last Two Days

< Oh if only this were true! Been outta commission for a few days now, at home, sick with the flu. Nothin' like a good flu to keep you from smoking. I can hardly breathe let alone suck down a cancer stick. But that's good. I have almost gotten over that three day hump. I just have to make sure that even though I'm better now (besides having some congestion and consequently some sudden hearing loss in my right ear) doesn't mean I can up the ante.

[AUTHOR EDIT] The point of me writing about this is that I usually smoke a cigarette after something makes me angry and today I had no desire to smoke at all. This shows me that I am ever closer to kicking the habit! I wish I were strong enough to just crush that entire pack and flush it down the toilet, but I am not there yet.  Baby steps, Kristin, baby steps.

Overall since I started this process and this blog, I am proud of how far I have come. We're coming up on the two week mark and I have cut my cigarette intake in at least half, without the aid of patches, gum, therapy, or hyponosis.  I am so close to being smoke free I can, how you say, smell it. Maybe another week at this pace and I'll be able to start writing about how I want to "kill" people who smoke in front of  me. To quote one of my favorite movies Keeping The Faith: "I quit smoking two years ago. When people smoke in front of me, I want to French kiss them just suck the smoke out of their lungs!" Too true. 

As I struggle to write something to tie everything together, I think of how awesome reaching my ultimate goal of being tobacco-free will be. Of how much healthier and happier I will feel. Of how different my life will be. I'm on my way now, one baby step at a time.

Picture credit: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8DYsIOesXo6nYo-f1OXvNT5fkKNptQiOPtxQ8W_hbPU1c-G8ZQaxc4Smr6uJNCDuaIJfBOxZSETYingN81KOAYDviDRhHw_av7Uac3HO6uDCPKrnKHjoGsEUDJ6YLJ3vyo4h1LhC_JK96/s320/funny-flu.jpg

Day 11 continued...

1 1/2 Cigarettes Today

Doing great so far! Told ya a busy day keeps the nicotine away. Blogging from work, a first! I had one whole cigarette this morning and one half of one cigarette on lunch. One: it's too damn cold to be sitting in my truck and two: I just don't plum enjoy it anymore. Unfortunately for me however, my body SCREAMS for nicotine. But when I get an opportunity to smoke, I end up gagging and coughing more often then not. Maybe I am just one of the lucky few that will be able to quit on my own simply because of the fact that my body rejects it. My mind will be the hardest thing to overcome.

See right now, I really want to go and finish that cigarette. I crave it. Bad.  But I know that once I go out there, freeze my patooty off, and start to smoke it, I will regret it. So, I am going to to try a completely foreign concept: NOT SMOKING. Amazing huh?! Believe it or not, and other smokers will stand by me, it's not as easy as it sounds. Telling yourself no in any situation is hard, but this is exponentionally worse. It's like taking a toy from a toddler...and I know how fun that is.

I have a half an hour to go on my break. Torture to think that that cigarette is just staring me in the face saying "Smoooooke meeee!". But I will not. If I can deny myself this one time now, then I can do it again, and again. The road to being tobacoo-free is never easy but one step in the right direction and you're on your way. Off we go.

Picture credit: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNASvsY_X9UqzpB9Kv3H5OhoEMCHT7D4DvPMVbAvOJe0G2HP4En77xiAFVT7wvwHEifiR4gNNvolUVFwaZu6b6JyV_EA2zn9uARpKQYqbJahDw2kwZHowcihW0UplkybiAxPTt-6hycWk_/s200/no_smoking_signsvg.png