I almost died today. Yeah. Via traffic accident. Damn near got t-boned in an intersection trying to get back on the highway. The funny thing is, I was watching the guy barreling towards me at 60 mph and I didn't do anything. I just paniked and stopped. I can still see him in my mind's eye swerving out of the way, inches from hitting me. But, it wasn't until I called my boyfriend afterwards that it hit me how close I was to being seriously injured or worse. The impact would have rolled my truck at the very least. But wait, it gets better.
On the way home from the appointment (which went surprisingly well), I was pulled over for speeding by the CSP. 81 in a 65. $169.50 to the county and 4 points off my license. I was caught red-handed, no arguing with that. At least the cop wasn't a(n) *expletive*. He could have gotten me some other things but he was nice about it. So yeah, what a day.
So, all this means that I broke my promise to myself about trying to quit, at least for today. I mean shoot, I almost died. I realize that life is short and could end at any moment, but why cut the time I have even shorter by sucking down poison? It's so hard to deny myself after what happened today, especially since I spent almost 3 hours in the car by myself with no music (what else to do but smoke?). I guess I haven't made any strides forward towards quitting but I didn't step backwards either. It's hard to quit when you find excuses not too. I have a hard time finding the deep down internal motivation to quit. PM has me by the short hairs right now. But I have to be strong and break that hold on me. I have to dig down deep inside and find that motivation, that want to quit. Starting tomorrow, I can do it. I will do it.
