Day 2 continued...

9 10 11 ???  Cigarettes a day

Oh what a day today was. [AUTHOR EDIT] This alone makes me want to smoke that whole entire pack of cigarettes sitting on my coffee table. But I must resist.

I did pretty good today, however. I lost track of how many cigarettes I actually smoked, but I know that it was less then my normal amount. [AUTHOR EDIT] So, that pissed me off and when I get pissed, I smoke...ALOT.

There is nothing that the cigarettes do to make me feel better, except for maybe a teeny tiny jolt of euphroia that lasts only moments. Whenever I feel that pang of anxiety smack dab in the middle of my chest, my first instinct is to puff one down. But after, I feel exactly the same. So why do I continue to kill myself slowly? Maybe it gives my hands something to do when I'm bored or restlesss. Maybe it makes me feel better about myself. Maybe it makes me look cool? I don't know but the buck stops here. I have to be able to deal with my problems, worries, anxiety issues, etc. by myself, without the help of poison. Dear God, please give me the strength to fight this.

Have that meeting tomorrow morning. Oh boy, can you feel the excitement? Me either. I might not be able to stick to my plan to quit, or can I?

Day 2

9 cigarettes a day

An early morning hello to any of my readers out there! Stressed, worried and anxious this morning, had to have the best cigarette of the day; the first one. This one is the best because the nicotine gives me a rush and helps ease the stress and worry of the coming day. Still coughing and have recently started gagging when I smoke, maybe a sign? Work changed my schedule and seemed to have forgotten that I have a test in class tonight. I have a feeling I will be missing it. I'm not ready for the test, I haven't been to class (a whole story in itself) and I haven't studied. But I feel that I should at least attempt to take the test. I will have to call my prof and try to reschedule it.  Have a lot of stuff to worry about this week, meetings with choice people I don't want to meet with, finding important documents I lost, and figuring out what my next step is (I will be moving to Denver soon), hopefully I will stay strong and follow my plan of action for quitting. Just because I am experiencing emotional overload doesn't mean I shouldn't have to stick to my goal of being tobacco free. So, I'm allowing myself 9 cigarettes today, which should be pretty easy since I am working all day. Well, time to walk and feed the dog and enjoy a nice cup of coffee, my other addiction. Coffeecoffeecoffee!

Day 1 continued...

Finally got my blog to look the way I want it to. I hope this one (my fourth one at least) actually takes off. Normally I would celebrate with a cigarette, and I'm definitely fighting the urge to smoke. I feel anxious and I know that that cig will calm me down, however temporary that may be. As I have decided to officially start reducing the number of cigarettes I smoke in a day tomorrow , I will go and smoke, but smoke a refry to compensate. I need to take my dog for another walk and study for a test, proooolly should go do that.

Day 1

10 cigarettes a day

Well, technically it's not day one, more like day 1/2 since I, only a few hours ago, finally decided to quit for real...and write about it. A scary thought believe it or not. I actually feel panicked about quitting. I am so dependent on nicotine that I become anxious and afraid when I run out. Though I hate each time I suck in a puff or cough up a lung, I still can not bear to live without it. First it was 2 a day, then 5, now 10 cigarettes. I believe it started at an old job, with a combination of my addictive personality and the fact that there was no such thing as "break time". The only time you could get a break was if you snuck off to smoke. Now here I am, completely at Phillip-Morris' beck and call, thousands of dollars poorer, and cronically coughing. Enough. I am done with this. I hate it, it makes me smell, makes me cough, stains me...ick. It's not worth it to me anymore. Wow, I can't believe I'm saying that. It's going to take some...no, MUCH will-power and I will have to believe in myself (a monumental feat in and of itself). I don't believe I can quit, to be quite honest, deep down there isn't that "spark" that motivates me. But I wanted to write a blog about something important, personal, and create a challenge for myself. My blog is my motivation and I believe it will keep me going. So, here we go.

The plan: cut back at least one cigarette every day (starting tomorrow) and choose the times that I smoke and only smoke at those time. Cross my fingers this works! Oh and by the way, welcome to my blog.