The Next Network of Food Star!

Hey, I can dream can't I? In a prior post, I mentioned that keeping busy keeps me from smoking. I love to crochet and that has been helping, but I also love to cook. So today, day two of not smoking at all, I decided to make up my own recipe, just for fun. I wanted to keep my mind occupied and see what I could come up with. Here is what I made up, despite our pantry being scant at best. It's a marinade for chicken. Don't worry I made sure it turned out tasty before I posted it!

Kristin's Made-Up Marinade
(Measurements are, um, less then exact. Think Rachael Ray.)

1 cup(ish) - Apple cider vinegar
1/2 cup(ish) - Oil
Two to three good glugs - Worcester sauce (Wishter shister shighster sauce as my family calls it.)
Nice firm squeeze - Lime juice
Palmful - Chili power
Palmful and a half - Coriander
Pinch - Salt, Black pepper
Pinch plus a little - Cumin
A few good pinches - Paprika, red chili flakes, Cayenne pepper (Heat will develop during marinating, less is more.)
A good cereal spoon sized serving - Jalapenos (Again less is more.)
3-4 cloves - Garlic minced

Mix all ingredients in a bowl. Pour mixture into zippy bag. Add fresh or defrosted chicken (not frozen), marinate for about 4 hours. Throw chicken on grill and enjoy!

So there you go, I think it turned out great and tasted quite yummy. Try it and let me know what you think!

I Could Really Go for a Cigarette...

...right now. And I don't have any. The search on my porch for refries long enough to get a couple puffs becomes desperate. Thoughts of walking to the convenience store just down the street, buying a pack, ripping it open and puffing one down on the way home cloud my mind. "I'll quit at the end of this next pack. I promise. Last one." I fib to myself, knowing that I'm just prolonging the agony. It's not like I'll be motivated to quit 20 cigarettes from now, or 20 after that. Quitting will still suck, as the commercial goes. So why postpone something that's inevitable; I can make it suck less by just quitting now and putting up with the hardship that comes with it full on, ready for the fight. It's time to finally say "no"...not only "no", but "HELL no." As much as I want to buy just one more pack, I will not, and I know that I am finally taking a bigger step towards being tobacco-free.

Need a Good Laugh...or a Good Cry?

And I thought I had a problem...

Ok, this is just ludacris. I hope the cigarette companies are proud of themselves. He's two for crying out loud! This just shows how easy it is to get addicted and how hard it is to quit.

2010 - Not Over Yet

Well, I went Monday and Tuesday without a single cigarette, simply because I was out. I thought I could make one more day, attempting to summit the three day hump (also know as Mt. Everest) but then the withdrawal and the cravings kicked in hard. By Wednesday I was breaking open the piggy bank, trying to scrape enough of my measly savings together to buy a pack. Good thing I had a coupon from the cigarette company, right? A quick jaunt to the convenience store and I was back to square one...again. I feel extremely disappointed in myself for my lack of control. I'm angry with the cigarette company for making it so easy for them to keep you addicted and take your money. I don't even like the pack that I bought, you know the kind with the menthol ball that you crush in the filter? It literally tastes like you're eating that stuff you rub on your chest when you have a cold. It's disgusting and it really should deter me. But it doesn't and that scares me. Why didn't I just throw that coupon away and suffer through it like a normal person? Where has my will power gone?

On the other hand, I have been trying to take some big steps in improving my life in other ways. I am determined to not live paycheck to paycheck while running from my creditors. I am determined to conquer my anxiety and be happy with my life. I want to grow up. I have been jumping from place to place, job to job, school to school for way too long. I want to get married, have a family, a house, be able to afford nice things. But the fact that I can't seem to quit smoking makes me doubt my ability to improve my life. It brings me to tears frequently. But I know that only I can change my life. I am the one that can make these things a reality. It's a very daunting task and it's hard to convince people that I can do it. But I realize that it's not others that I have to convince, it's me. I have to do this for myself and then other people will come around. 2010 so far unfortunately hasn't been very different from any other year of my life, but there is still 6 months left. The rest of this year is going to be a very different time. I hope that making changes in other parts of my life with aid me in quitting smoking.

It's tough to try an take on an overwhelming number of goals all at once. It's frustrating that they don't just fix themselves and it's extremely frustrating that it doesn't happen in an instant. However, if I decide to break my goals down into a day-by-day process, I know that I can do it. I will do this and I will conquer these challenges. It starts now, it has to.

Idle Hands Make Kristin Something Something...

What? Go crazy? Don't mind if I do!

Ugh, hot and lazy Saturday afternoons and I do not mix. Especially if I'm trying to quit smoking. I'm the type of person that has to stay busy or something inside my head goes SNAP! So I have decided to crochet an afghan. I love to crochet (nerd alert!) and keeping my hands moving literally prevents me from smoking. I made one of these afghans for my best friend and it turned out excellent, if I do say so myself. So, this new one is for my boyfriend. After spending countless days perusing the aisles at the big chain hobby store and clicking on a billion links on the internet searching for that perfect pattern, I eventually gave up and decided to go back to old trusty, the pattern I used for my friend's afghan, the 5 1/2 Hour Throw from Lionbrand.com. Pattern can be found here: 5 1/2 Hour Throw . I used a P hook instead of a Q like it calls for (did I say nerd alert loud enough the first time?) and it works up pretty fast with three strands of yarn held together. So my point to this is that I have much more success quitting smoking if I stay busy, even if that means filling every second with some activity so the nicotine receptors (you know, those nasty little black creatures that you've seen in those commercials) in my brain are distracted.

So with that, I'm off to crochet my cravings away!

Former Smoker Craving A Cigarette - BecomeAnEx.org

I wanted to share this video with my readers from BecomeAnEx.org. Funny as it may be, it hits pretty close to home. I have found myself in similar situations and understand the internal struggle that comes with trying to stay strong. Sometimes, I lose.

If I Wanna Quit, I'm Going Have To Go Through Me First!

Well, I survived. Only smoked one and a half cigarettes out of the three I allowed myself. And get this...I didn't even enjoy them. It's as if my body is trying to tell my mind to give it up by hating the taste and coughing up its own lung. Go body! I am encouraged now that quitting does indeed seem possible.

P.S. Does anybody want to buy a P.O.S. truck?

Long Car Ride + Cigarettes = Disaster

So, I have a bunch of errands to run meaning that I will be spending an extended amount of time in a radio-less, a/c-less, everything-less vehicle. I am having a debate with myself on the issue of bringing my cigarettes with me. I only smoke whole cigarettes and lots of them when I drive. But I'm not quite sure I'm up for being completely without nicotine for the entirety of my journey. Therefore, I have come to a compromise. I will bring a small number of cigarettes with me and work on fighting the urge to smoke them all at once. Ration them. This is one small step to weaning myself off of these cancer sticks. A least it's step in the right direction!

So It Begins...Again.

"I'll never blog again! I can't quit smoking, so why try?" I said recently, with tears in my eyes and frustration in my voice. I went many months, ignoring the computer, smoking like a chimney, with no regards to my health or mental well-being. Before, I loved to blog and I hated to smoke. But those priorities soon became reversed because of the challenges I faced in my life and over time, I took a giant leap in the wrong direction. Until today. Here I am with new found conviction, fighting the hesitation, the slight panic, and the fear of going through this whole process of quitting from the beginning...again.

Many things have happened since my last post. I have moved (three times), changed jobs (twice), and friends were made and lost and made again. All the while I was smoking cigarettes, not thinking of how much harder I was making the eventual reality of quitting on myself. Unwittingly building up an immunity so that breaking that tie to PM would be even harder. Hence the fear. The fear of an addict. I'm sure heroin, meth, and crack addicts go through the same fear when told to go to rehab. But there's no rehab for smokers, as much as I wish there was. I have to fight this addiction on my own. There is some help out there, yes, and I do plan on taking advantage of it, as I could not do it completely alone last time.

I will start slow, as I have said before, by cutting back the number of cigarettes I smoke in a day by one. I am going to call the QuitLine number today and see what they can do to help me. I will seek help from anyone that I can. This is it. Today, I am no longer a smoker.  Now it is time to turn over a new leaf. I've been working on stabilizing my life, my job, my relationships, and my finances. It is now time to add being smoke-free to the list.

Hello? Is anybody there? Echo echo echo....

Time to blow the dust off of this! Poor ol' blog, how I have neglected thee. Did you miss me? It was going so well there for a while, then I got bored, frustrated and eventually gave up. Typical Kristin. But here I am! Ready to give it another try. Try being the key word.

Since last post, Christmas, New Year's, my birthday, and the job at the daycare have all come and gone. School has started (going great I might add) and I have started a new part-time job. Life's good...but it could be better. Better in the sense that I could be smoke free.

I say that with doubt in my heart, unfortunately. I have been smoking as I did when I started this blog. Back to the beginning again. Today, at work, I was spray painting a bathtub (long story) and thinking about the fumes I was inhaling. Jokingly I said to myself, "Well, it's probably healthier then the cigarettes I smoke!" Har har right? Well, I'm sure there's some truth behind that and it scares me.

I saw all the dust on the floor after finishing painting and thought about how that entered my body. I thought about what the cigarettes are doing to my lungs and I literally shuddered. So, here I am, attempt number ???. I'm not particularly motivated persay, but I'm willing to give it another shot. I always enjoyed blogging so I figure that, at the very least, will keep me going and maybe, just maybe I can be successful.

Starting tomorrow, I will reinstate my quitting plan by reducing the number of cigarettes I smoke in one day (right now about 10) by at least one . I know it's going to be [extremely] hard; I've been there before. I'm certainly not looking forward to that and that's why I'm not motivated to go through it again. But, if I want to be a healthy person for my friends, family, and my future while saving some serious money in the process, I'm going to have to tough it out.

Tomorrow is a new day.