Thursday, July 1, 2010

2010 - Not Over Yet

Well, I went Monday and Tuesday without a single cigarette, simply because I was out. I thought I could make one more day, attempting to summit the three day hump (also know as Mt. Everest) but then the withdrawal and the cravings kicked in hard. By Wednesday I was breaking open the piggy bank, trying to scrape enough of my measly savings together to buy a pack. Good thing I had a coupon from the cigarette company, right? A quick jaunt to the convenience store and I was back to square one...again. I feel extremely disappointed in myself for my lack of control. I'm angry with the cigarette company for making it so easy for them to keep you addicted and take your money. I don't even like the pack that I bought, you know the kind with the menthol ball that you crush in the filter? It literally tastes like you're eating that stuff you rub on your chest when you have a cold. It's disgusting and it really should deter me. But it doesn't and that scares me. Why didn't I just throw that coupon away and suffer through it like a normal person? Where has my will power gone?

On the other hand, I have been trying to take some big steps in improving my life in other ways. I am determined to not live paycheck to paycheck while running from my creditors. I am determined to conquer my anxiety and be happy with my life. I want to grow up. I have been jumping from place to place, job to job, school to school for way too long. I want to get married, have a family, a house, be able to afford nice things. But the fact that I can't seem to quit smoking makes me doubt my ability to improve my life. It brings me to tears frequently. But I know that only I can change my life. I am the one that can make these things a reality. It's a very daunting task and it's hard to convince people that I can do it. But I realize that it's not others that I have to convince, it's me. I have to do this for myself and then other people will come around. 2010 so far unfortunately hasn't been very different from any other year of my life, but there is still 6 months left. The rest of this year is going to be a very different time. I hope that making changes in other parts of my life with aid me in quitting smoking.

It's tough to try an take on an overwhelming number of goals all at once. It's frustrating that they don't just fix themselves and it's extremely frustrating that it doesn't happen in an instant. However, if I decide to break my goals down into a day-by-day process, I know that I can do it. I will do this and I will conquer these challenges. It starts now, it has to.

No comments:

Post a Comment