Day 9 continued...

S389GV8VSN27

3 Cigarettes a day

A good day! Maybe because I could not tear myself away from the computer or that each cigarette I have smoked thus far have been getting less and less enjoyable and making me cough more and more. But I still had to make that one painful desicion today: whether or not to smoke my last cigarette now or save it 'til morning. A thought that literally makes my heart skip a beat. The fact that I have to wait that long to smoke again makes me panic slightly. But then, the relief swept over me as I realized that I had saved some refrys out on the porch for later. However, the fact that I will smoke something that used and dirty grosses me out. Unfortunately, nothing overrides that fear of being without.

I have plently of reasons why I should quit smoking. There is just this one chain I have to break: the physical dependancy. I believe that if I don't make myself go without even just one cigarette, I will never break the cycle and this dependancy will be my downfall. I cannot afford at this time to use any kind of help in this extremely difficult process, so I have to go it alone. It's pretty scary. I have some doubt that I will not succeed. But I am hoping by keeping this blog and possibly gaining some support from readers, I, and anyone else out there sharing my experience, will be tobacco-free.

Exciting Developments!

After whoreing out my blog for the last two hours, I am starting to see some results. I'm not invisible anymore! So, welcome to those discovering my blog! Be sure to tell your friends! Please feel free to leave comments/feedback/your experiences on my site if you wish. Bookmark, thumb up, share share share! I really feel that this blog could take off. Thanks to all and welcome again!

Day 9

1 Cigarette as of 11:00 AM

Another snowy, cold day here in Colorado. A perfect day to flip the switch on the fireplace (who has a woodburning fireplace anymore?), curl up with cup of coffee and a loved one. I was supposed to do my "volunteer" work today but I drove about 10 feet before sliding. So, in the light of wanting to live, I say no thanks.

Ok, enough chit-chat. [AUTHOR EDIT].

Lots of things on my mind this week. Trying to keep from cracking into a million pieces. But, I have greatly reduced the number of cigarettes, coffee (sorta), and other toxins into my body. Honestly I have been feeling better, less anxious, happier, and have been enjoying life more.

I have to be strong through everything, and not give up even when times get tough. [AUTHOR EDIT]

Day 5

7 Cigarettes a day...

...because it is absolute zero outside. Too damn cold to be standing outside smoking. I'm freezing my ass off, everywhere I go. In my house, in my car, at work. Sucks.

Staying up late tonight (if you can call 11:00pm late). Had extra cup of coffee at work. Mistake.

I've noticed now that I can rarely smoke an entire cigarette. I must have at least 20 refrys on my porch. Only if I'm driving do I really smoke a whole one. I think it's because I have nothing else to do in my car. With no radio, no headphones for my mp3 player, or any sweet electronics on my dashboard, what else can I do? I am on the highway quite a bit now-a-days.

So annnnyways, had an interesting day at work. [AUTHOR EDIT]
I can't wait to start my new job doing what I love: working with children. I have been planning to move to live with my boyfriend. I will be going to school seeking an associates degree in Early Childhood Education. Working as a receptionist now but will be starting as a toddler teacher soon. Super excited! Working with kids is exactly what I want to do with my life.

This leads me to my next point. A huge motivation to quit (other then my blog) is that I love kids and I don't want the kids [in my class] to be exposed to that. I want so badly to have kids of my own so I want to be healthy when the time comes.
But until then, I have to rely on sheer will power to succeed. I guess we'll see what happens. Still trying to kick myself in the butt (Ha ha! Get it?) to quit. I think I am slowly making progress, one less every day. Just gotta keep it up.

Day 3

Insert # of cigarettes a day

I almost died today. Yeah. Via traffic accident. Damn near got t-boned in an intersection trying to get back on the highway. The funny thing is, I was watching the guy barreling towards me at 60 mph and I didn't do anything. I just paniked and stopped. I can still see him in my mind's eye swerving out of the way, inches from hitting me. But, it wasn't until I called my boyfriend afterwards that it hit me how close I was to being seriously injured or worse. The impact would have rolled my truck at the very least. But wait, it gets better.

On the way home from the appointment (which went surprisingly well), I was pulled over for speeding by the CSP. 81 in a 65. $169.50 to the county and 4 points off my license. I was caught red-handed, no arguing with that. At least the cop wasn't a(n) *expletive*. He could have gotten me some other things but he was nice about it. So yeah, what a day.

So, all this means that I broke my promise to myself about trying to quit, at least for today. I mean shoot, I almost died. I realize that life is short and could end at any moment, but why cut the time I have even shorter by sucking down poison? It's so hard to deny myself after what happened today, especially since I spent almost 3 hours in the car by myself with no music (what else to do but smoke?). I guess I haven't made any strides forward towards quitting but I didn't step backwards either. It's hard to quit when you find excuses not too. I have a hard time finding the deep down internal motivation to quit. PM has me by the short hairs right now. But I have to be strong and break that hold on me. I have to dig down deep inside and find that motivation, that want to quit. Starting tomorrow, I can do it. I will do it.